{ camryn's corner }

Heaven on earth...
No it doesn't exist... and now I'm mad because I want a panic room that Camryn described and I can't get one.

Click on the mean mommy university button to read her cleverly imaginated story. It'll have you wanting one, too!

{ ...oh what a relief it is... }

The other day I had a very close call. But before I begin with MY story, I must preface it with this one:

Once upon a time, we were given a ball, not a cube, a solid BALL of cheese. Cheddar, to be exact. It was supposed to be Heavenly Beyond Belief. Okay, yes, it was good, but cheddar is cheddar to me. It ALL tastes good. As we opened the box, wondering how Amazing Tasting Cheese could have such simple packaging, we came across these words printed on the side:


Yes, EXPERIMENT STATION at Miss. University. How would you feel about eating cheese that was made by experimenting college students? So I decide to do some research of my own. And no, it doesn't include feeding it to my kids and watching for strange mutations, an extra limb, or discoloration of the skin. I just read the ingredients.

The last ingredient is natamycin. Having no clue what that meant, I googled. Apparently it's an anti-fungal agent. Oh, that's good. I don't want fungi in my cheese. But they also list some possible side effects. Problems that have a possible casual [that's the word they used] connection include: allergic reaction, change in vision, chest pain, corneal opacity, dyspnea [breathing problems], eye discomfort, eye edema, eye hyperemia, eye irritation, eye pain, foreign body sensation [this one lost me. How can I have a sensation in a foreign body?], paresthesia, and tearing [I don't know if this is the tearing pronounced as in 'my eyes are tearing because someone CUT the cheese', or the 'my kids are tearing the house apart'! Either way could be bad.].

So I guess it's okay to eat the cheese...

All day long my two-year-old begged for cheese, and all day long I gave it to her.


My husband warned me.

He suggested ever-so-nicely ['cuz he knows who's in charge of making final decisions around here] that I should stop the mass cheese-feedings, or else our precious toddler would become constipated. In my infinite wisdom I told him that she's used to this much cheese, that her body is IMMUNE to the constricting bowel movement effects cheese would have on normal, non-hording cheese eaters.

I tried everything- warm baths, lots of fluids, sit-ups... nothing helped relieve the blockage my poor daughter was experiencing. Crying all evening [her not me. Okay, me too], it dawned on me that I had some Stool Softener in the cupboard. Why, you ask? Well, any woman who has ever given birth understands the importance and blessing of Stool Softener when it comes to post-natal care. I just happened to have some left over from about, oh, two years ago.

Because my daughter was lacking in proper years to receive the full dosage [one liquid gel], I decided to cut it open and squeeze half of it into a glass of chocolate milk, hoping to disguise any foul taste that might be associated with ingredients used to soften stools. As I struggled to make a slit in the top with my scissors, a stream of liquid hits me in the face and an ugly guffaw/grunt-like noise exits my lips- the kind of noise one makes when hit in the gut. It is then that my husband proceeds to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure if he's laughing at the fact that I just shot Stool Softener in my eye, or the uglier-than-sin sound that came out of my mouth before I could stop it. "Get back here ugly noise!"

I wish I had a rewind button.

But other than having a "maker of ugly noises" blemish on my record, this story ends on a happy note, and my daughter finally had a bowel movement the next morning. I've NEVER been so excited to see poop.

Now for MY story:

A couple days ago I was having a hard time going to sleep. As I tossed and turned and worried that morning would come all too soon, I crept downstairs to grab a generic sleep aid. I turn on the dim hall light, so as not to wake the children [this is extremely important], and proceed to the almost-dark kitchen. I open the cupboard and find the almost-completely-white-small-bottle that I need. I open it up and pull a small liquid gel out. I grab a drink. As I am about to pop the thing in my mouth, I think to myself: "This feels different, yet strangely familiar." I decide to turn on the kitchen light. Lo and Behold- I find in my hands a red (NOT blue) liquid gel and the bottle I pulled from the cupboard says STOOL SOFTENER.


Here are the bottles side-by-side. Do you see how one could easily get them mixed up if there is only a small amount of light to work with?


I have now put them next to each other in the cupboard so that next time, I will be able to make a conscious effort to pay attention to the bottle I'm grabbing.


So that's my story. If I had not given my daughter gigantic amounts of cheese, which led to the need of stool softening rescue, I would not have recognized the different feeling between the two liquid gels, and therefore would be tired, cranky and.......

...oh what a relief it is...

{ camryn's corner }

Love chocolate chip cookies? Love Taylor Swift? Then you'll love Camryn's post! It's nice to know that I am not alone in the world with a "sweet tooth" and hips that grow 6 inches just from LOOKING at a plate of cookies!

Clink on the mean mommy link and Happy Reading-

{ a.k.a. alter-ego }

My husband did exceptionally well when it came to my birthday this year- he usually does. But this year he gave me an ipod touch which I am TOTALLY in love with. I constantly peruse the app store with pure delight, and even though I am insanely cheap and haven't purchased anything there, I still find myself discovering amazing apps that are FREE.

Ah, FREE. It's my favorite F-word.

I recently came across an app that is called a.k.a.. [Does one put another period after a period is used to abbreviate? 'Cuz I just did.] Anyway, I thought I'd give it a go, and found myself laughing. I choked on my yogurt. It kinda hurt.

At the app store, the info page for a.k.a. starts off with:

Bored with your life? [I wouldn't say bored, there's a lot going on around here. I would definitely classify it as the OPPOSITE of bored.] Wish you could be someone else? [Ooohhhhh the possibilities.....] Maybe you yearn for the exciting life of a pirate. [I have my favorites...] Or a Jedi....yeah! [Hmmmmm... mind control. Tempting....] Or....an exotic dancer!! [Um, let me fix my "problem areas" first- I'm putting in Turbo Jam right now! Remember that space that's supposed to be between your thighs? Yeah, I don't either- it's been WAY too long.] Sorry, we can't help you with that [dang-it], but we can at least help you come up with your alter-ego's name. [Yesssss!!]

Use this handy app to generate a new pirate name for your bad self. [I feel like they KNOW me!] Or decide on your stripper name. [What kinda girl do you think I am????] Or when the movie extras casting agent comes calling, have your Jedi name all ready. [Ooooo, I can't wait to find out what it is!!! The only problem I foresee is if they aren't casting for Star-Wars. Then we may run into a little problem.]

Hey, why keep the fun to yourself? [I don't know- please tell me what I should do.] Generate new names for your friends. [*snicker*] Make the meeting a little more tolerable by picturing your boss as "Salty" Squid Flint. [There goes his reputation] If that politician were an exotic dancer, what would his (or her!) name be? [I don't know! Let's find out!]

I could not resist this app. The description was too riveting- I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY FANTASY NAME IS!!!! That was the little girl in the back of my head screaming out. She has finally been heard.

When I was younger, I had an insane imagination. I played horses. No, not with horses, I WAS the horse. I made my poor siblings be the "master" as I ran around on all fours (yes, with my butt in the air) and made what I thought was the best 'horse neighing' impression of All Time. When I wasn't a horse, I was a damsel in distress on top of our swing set, or a beautiful maiden trapped on a deserted island. Every day was a new adventure. And I ALWAYS had a cool name. It changed every now and then, but I would be "Clarissa the animal whisperer", yes I could talk to animals and win their love for me so that when I was attacked my a "bad guy" the animal of my choice would protect me. Or I was "Clarissa the British Spy" [I was in love with the name for a VERY long time] who seemed to be the "bad guy" but deep down, she was really good and noble. And she had the BEST English accent- no one new she was really Australian [and my 10 year old brain believed that I rocked at that accent, too]. Or it was "Amaryanna [sometimes I totally made some name up and firmly believed that the longer the name, the prettier it was] the Irish Princess" [yes, another rockin' accent] who was kidnapped by her wicked step-uncle and left to perish in the swamps. But thank goodness I had previous training as an animal whisperer- that could've ended in tragedy!

So as you can see, I could NOT resist to find another name to add to the collection. I downloaded it promptly and began playing...

I would TOTALLY make it as a pirate. Their outfits ROCK! But it's hard to play Pirates when you don't have a wicked-awesome name. And Elizabeth Swan was already taken. I don't want to look like I copied...

As I type in my name I feel just like I did the first time I asked the Magic 8 Ball a question: Oh great and wonderful ipod touch! What is my piraty name???

"Busty" Antonia Salamislacks

It's a name that will go far.

But I begin to get a teensy bit discouraged, because there's really nothing "busty" about me. So I continue...

Curious about my Jedi name, I am. Those robes aren't really flattering, but it's good to be prepared- you really do never know when a casting agent will knock on your door. I have missed out on so many opportunities because I was not prepared when they came before.

Smi-Jo Adaari

I am officially prepared.

Now for those dramatic moments in my life, I have decided to inform everyone of my "soap opera" name. I also need to know this just in case the soap opera casting agents come instead of the Star Wars ones. You can NEVER be too prepared...

Belle Buchanan

It's smart, sexy and civilized. It demands a sort of respect. Now we all know every soap opera character has a sworn archenemy, so I typed in Camryn's name (with love): Emma Fitzgerald. Oh the possibilities of those two names on daytime T.V. They just sound good together:

"This week on "How Politics Turn", Senator Buchanan finds out his daughter is in love with the Governor's son, Tad [my hubby's soap name], who is a publicly-known Tax Evader, and is engaged to the trillion dollar heiress Emma Fitzgerald. Will Belle follow her father's advice and call Busted Kneecaps Louie Leathernuts [my hubby's mafia name] to "get Emma out of the way"? Or will she try to break up the engagement the "old fashion way"? Stay Tuned!"

It has Oscar oozing all over it.

Remember the British Spy? I have invented a new mission for her. She will go undercover with her Australian to British accent, and join the mafia. And change her accent again. And it will rock. It will. But she needs a very mafia-y undercover name. And it will be....

Twisted Clarice Crackhead

This is a no-nonsense name. I personally would never want to meet someone with this name. I could foresee lots of issues pertaining to an individual with this name. Won't be inviting her to play horses any time soon...

There is also a fantasy section where you can be all sorts of amazing creatures. I think it should be called The Lord of the Rings section, used on those days when you're feeling more Orc-ish than mafia spy-ish. Here is my name for all of them. Feel free to use them during your next adventure:

Dwarf= Dykona
Elf= Hilmawien
Gnome= Elabrylla
Human= Aleasa
Orc= Druryny
Troll= Leprechaun Tusktamer
Undead= Eramylar

There were soooo many more pictures I could create with these names, but I have OTHER responsibilities and couldn't play around all day. Dang-it. So I'll leave it to your imagination.

I found, though, that Camryn's Troll name [which is Snotling Earthcollector] was way more funny. Maybe it's just me, but offspring of Snot scooping up dirt paints a way-more-funny-picture in my mind than a Troll trying to tame leprechaun tusks. I didn't even know they had tusks. And why would they need taming?

For those of you wondering, I do NOT fantasize about being an "exotic dancer". I wasn't physically built for that type of career anyway. But if I did decide to get elective surgery and choose that path, I think Sugar Leatherthong is a name that people would never forget. And on those romantic evenings when my hubby takes me out on a date up to where he works to feed a resident's cat [he redeemed himself by taking me to Cafe Rio after], I will call him Dick Hammerhulk, 'cuz it would be funny. And thanks to the root beer belly, I don't see him pursuing a career in the "exotic dancing" field any time.....um.....ever.

And, as suggested, I thought I would see what Sarah Palin's pirate alter ego name would be. "Busty" Jean the Well-Endowed, who goes by Sugar Leathertush on the weekends. Leather tush. I know what a leather thong is, but not so sure what a leather tush is. I would think that it would be a name found attractive only in the bovine department. It would be two bulls carrying on a conversation like "hey Harry, check out the leather tush on that one!". I feel that only in livestock terms would/should this name be used. And we women refuse to be livestock... and their terminology.

{ camryn's corner }

"Tis that time! Read "Trash Woes" and laugh! The pictures add just the right touch- click on the link to the right...

Happy Reading!