{ family portraits 101 }

Perhaps you're thinking it's time to gather the family together and capture them in time.  After all, this is the only summer they'll be as old as they are this summer.  So thanks to *Awkward Family Photos.com, I have come up with a few pointers to make this summer's pictorial event one that will NEVER be forgotten.  We Begin...

I find that 'themed' pictures are severely classy:

Pick your favorite book...

your favorite disney movie...

your favorite holiday...

{feel free to pick up an old sword for 'ambience'}

your favorite roller coaster...

{the more dramatical, the better...}

the family business...

or if you don't own a family business, grab some of dad's work shirts, throw in a couple of bunny ears and BAMM!!  Instant Classic.

If you can't seem to come up with the perfect 'theme', then here are a few Poses that are in a Classic League of their own.  It's all about placement, people:

The Classic Arm Shelf

The Three Finger Touch

The Pile-On 

{for those super 'comfy' poses- I'll let you decide if the heavier person should be on top or bottom}

The Elbow Hold

The Endearing Mother Pose

The 'You Take My Breathe Away' or 'Tic Tac' Pose
Can't seem to find the right pose for your kids?  Then you should try 

The Sibling Stretch

 You MUST make sure that the children with the shorter arms are hugging the bigger/older ones, though.  This is key.
Can't find the right pose for a group of 'older' people?  Try 

The Geriatric Jump  

{And for the 'jokesters' in the group, follow the man on the left and make it look like you're going to grab your neighbor's rear end.}
Forget your shirt?  That's okay!  Just use your children's heads to 'sensor' your family photos.  This pose is called 

The Discreet
Nothing shows 'love' like 

The Stand Downwind Pose
If you have a MASSIVE ring, please, don't hide it from the world.  This pose is called 

The Display

Our pets are a huge part of our lives and are considered 'family' by almost every pet owner out there.  Why not include them in the family photo shoot? 

And nothing says Merry Christmas more than this... 

{recognize the puppy on the man's shirt?} 

"But I don't have a pet," you might be saying to yourself.  Do not fear, there is still a way of adding that 'touch of class' to your family photos without a living, breathing animal:

classy...

super classy...
x-treme classy...

So many people are going 'retro' these days.  70's, 80's- it's all coming back.  To make sure that your 'retro' pictures are historically accurate, I have included some examples to follow when wardrobe shopping for your next family picture:

Double your pleasure, double your fun...

early eighties...

... or late eighties... you decide...

osh-kosh-my-gosh

And speaking of wardrobe:

Tip #1 | Pick out matching shirts so that you can't tell where one person starts and one person ends 

{and who said that horizontal stripes weren't slimming?}

Tip #2 | Find unique sweaters that NO ONE else would EVER wear in their family photos
Tip #3 | If you can't find matching clothes- go for matching accessories {big glasses are the new 'cool'}

Now that we've covered some GREAT do's, let's look at some don'ts: 

Make sure your 'cool' family pose isn't mistaken for the 'Everyone Is Mad At Everyone And Can't Understand Why We're On This Stupid Trip Anyway' pose

Find a pose that distinguishes who's the father and who's the son
There are some 'true' feelings that should not be captured on film
There are some head positions that can change an 'I'm happy to be here' look to 'The Death of a Photographer' lookDon't use family pictures as a Public Service Announcement reminding everyone to change clothes if you spill in a 'certain area'And last but not least,

NEVER, EVER, EVER LET DAD COME UP WITH THE FAMILY POSE IDEA.  EVER.

So enjoy the summer and don't forget your camera!!

*Parental Guidance Suggested...

{ my end-of-school-year- report }

Yesterday was the last day of school for my Kindergartner.  There were mixed emotions full of joy and sadness.  I was a wreck.  Crying 'cuz my baby is growing up, crying because my house will not be clean EVER again for the next 10 weeks, and crying because Peace and Tranquility have gone on their summer vacation. 

So I decided to take this week's post and reminisce about the past school year...

This year I took it upon myself to become more active. That's why I decided that my children and I would walk to school every day. Okay, I'm lying. We walk to school because we only have one vehicle and my hubby has it at work. So every day I'm dragging my kids in a lovely red wagon to and from school. Uphill. Both ways. And in the snow.

Half way through the school year, I decide one day to leave my daughter with daddy while I retrieve my overly-excited-about-kindergarten son. I cannot even begin to tell you how many Random People- people I have never met before in my entire life come up and say "No wagon today, huh?". WHAT THE... I have now gone down in history as 'The Wagon Lady'. Yes, every time I didn't drag my beloved wagon behind me, Complete Strangers would comment. Thank you for pointing out that I'm missing a wagon- I had completely forgotten to grab my daughter, put her in it and PULL for 10 minutes to get to the school. So now...

I am The Wagon Queen.

Since we prefer walking as our school transportation method, I have another amusing story.

As I was walking through a sea of children trying to board buses {my son's hand loosing feeling because of the death grip I had on him, so as not to loose him in said sea of youth}, I heard a teacher yelling out to the students to stay lined up along the fence.  She yelled it out over and over, then looked at me and said "Sweety, I said against the fence."

There was an awkward pause.  I didn't know what to say, and then a voice inside me started to cry: "I'm a Mommy".

Then she realized her mistake- "Oh, I'm so sorry!"  she laughed, and continued on with her sheep herding duties.

Sadly, I am a towering 5 feet even, so that means even some 4th graders are taller than me.  Perhaps that's why I grabbed my son's hand so hard- if I lost him, I wouldn't be able to just 'look' over the heads of the children and pick him out.  *sniff*  I'm a Mommy...  

I love my job.  I teach wonderful children to sing and play the piano.  I love it.  Okay, yes, the feeling of pride is nice, and the sense of giving these children a life-long love of music is wonderful, but what makes me REALLY love it is the kids themselves.  More specifically- the darn things they say.  

During the middle of rehearsing a song, one student all of a sudden burst out "Did you know my parents say bad words?"  Luckily, her parents are good friends of mine, so I KNOW that they don't say bad words, but I couldn't stop laughing.  This same little girl on another occasion had also blurted out {yes, again DURING a song} "Does your dad love you?"  Ummm... I think so.  Maybe.  I hope so.  Man, this girl has me really thinking now.  Should I begin to doubt his love?  Does he really?  So I ask her why she asked me that.  "My daddy took me to Disneyland for my birthday.  So that means he loves me."  Oh, that's good.  Now I know what constitutes fatherly love.  So apparently my father does not love me.  For I am now aware of a new 'love measuring system'.  A little point off my self esteem chart just flew out the window.

And speaking of learning new things, I had another student inform me that if you want to resurrect the flavor of your bubble gum, just stick it in the fridge over night.  When you chew it in the morning- all the flavor will have returned.  Did Not Know That.  Still have yet to try it... I'll get back to you on that...

This child also informed me that I should count backwards from 5 when my kids get in trouble and I want them to do something.  He says it's the only thing that works for him and his brother.  This young man is a Fountain of Knowledge!  

Oh, how I will miss these nuggets of knowledge over the summer...

But back to MY son and the drawings that were brought home- I read in a book somewhere that you should never ask your child "What's this a picture of?" when gazing upon a jumbled concoction of lines, scribbles and dis proportioned body parts.  Which means this whole year was spent asking my son to "tell me about this picture", so as not to pop the fragile balloon of self esteem.  And believe me, I had to do a lot of thinking about that balloon.  Why did he not receive my artistic genes?  I am Totally blaming his father...

As I gazed on his report card yesterday {yes, they gave out report cards for kindergartners}, I felt a little embarrassed when I got excited about the fact that it finally didn't say NI {needs improvement}. Why didn't he receive my desire-to-overachieve-in-school genes?  I'll blame his father again...

This year has taught me a few other things.  

1 | I volunteer in my son's class 'cuz I need to make sure he's doing his work and obeying.  

2 |  I'm a sucker for book orders.  

3 | There must be something wrong with me 'cuz I don't 'linger' at the school like other moms, just to get a glimpse of my child walking through halls or playing on the playground.  

4 | I love abstract art- as long as the creator is my son.

This whole experience of having a child in school for the first time has left me with a lot of emotions.  I'm still confused about some, but what I think I've learned overall is this:

I am a 60-inch Tall Wagon-Queen Mother Of A Satisfactory Grade Almost 1st Grader Who's Father Didn't Take her to Disneyland For Her Birthday And Can't Seem To Pass On Her 'Good' Genes One Vehicled, Book And Abstract Art Loving Woman.  Hear me roar.  

Bring on the next school year.  I'm ready...

{ extra, extra, and one more extra? }

So I must say that I am STUNED beyond belief that Mean Mommy Academy was given yet ANOTHER award!  Not quite knowing what "Sushi Grade" is, MMA will gladly accept it anyway!  

I would just like to thank Moon n Star Mommy for this award- Oh, look.  Now I'm blushing...  

This award just proves to my sweetheart that it IS a good thing for me to keep blogging- that I'm not just wasting time {his VERY words just this morning-grrrr}.  And yes, my children might become a wee neglected, but it's worth it, right?  Don't we mommies have to have an outlet?  So thanks again Moon n Star Mommy for awarding my outlet...

{ camryn's corner }

Want to gain 5 pounds while adding 3 inches to your circumference?  

Check out the amazing recipe Camryn has so generously shared @ Mean Mommy University!

But I recommend you make and eat said cookies BEFORE you read her story- I would hate to hear about someone choking on cookies because they laughed all of a sudden...

HaPPy REaDinG!

{ men }

Need I say more?  I could stop right now and leave this post with just the Title, but I feel obligated to continue.  

I love my Husband.  Deeply.  Shamelessly.  We've got a Groovy Kinda Love.  Not Kidding.  But sometimes I feel that under that 30-something year old body lies a 6 year old boy with authority issues.  ME being the Authority.  

Let's talk Trash.  We have 2 bins.  Trash {which gets picked up on Saturdays} and Recycle {which is retrieved on Wednesdays}.  All I Ask is that he take the little black milk crate out to the larger bin when it gets full.  And that when the bag in the trash can is FULL, that he just grab the handle {because I have taken it OUT of the can and tied it up like a sweet and loving wife and placed it graciously where he can just grab 'n go} and take it out with him to the side of the house.  

Simple, right?

Here is our recycle crate as of today.  

Uh-huh.

Here's the crate after I went on a 'treasure hunt'.  

See?  It is in there!  

I was also going to take a picture of the 2 garbage bags that I had left IN the garage {yes!  I even took them a little farther this time!}, but apparently my sweetheart's sense of smell was working today, because I just went out there and they're gone.  YAY!  Can I just tell you how badly garbage smells when it "cooks" in a garage during 100 degree weather?

Note To Self:  Husband's Eyes Do Not Work, but his Nose Still Does.

{BTW- Click here to read another great "trash" story...}

Earlier today...

...I'm minding My Own Business when out of NOWHERE my hubby starts yelling at me to "come here".  So I huff and puff {in anger that he's yelling at me, not because I'm out of shape *snort*}, and make my way up to him as he demands to know why there is a Chunk of Poo on the stairs.  As he begins to chew me out for not 'watching' my daughter better {lately she has had this TERRIBLE habit of changing her diaper all by herself}, I tell him I don't believe it's poo and that he should lift it up and show me {*snicker* that'll teach him}.  Guess what?  HE DOES!!!! Laughing at that fact that he just picked up a piece of dried poo {even though I was Positive is was something else}, I meet him at the top of the stairs and realize that he's holding a piece of black dried-up play dough!  

Although I am proud of him for finding our next "white elephant" gift for this Christmas, you can still bet I demanded an apology!

...the joys of being married...

... to a man.