{ a.k.a. alter-ego }

My husband did exceptionally well when it came to my birthday this year- he usually does. But this year he gave me an ipod touch which I am TOTALLY in love with. I constantly peruse the app store with pure delight, and even though I am insanely cheap and haven't purchased anything there, I still find myself discovering amazing apps that are FREE.

Ah, FREE. It's my favorite F-word.

I recently came across an app that is called a.k.a.. [Does one put another period after a period is used to abbreviate? 'Cuz I just did.] Anyway, I thought I'd give it a go, and found myself laughing. I choked on my yogurt. It kinda hurt.

At the app store, the info page for a.k.a. starts off with:

Bored with your life? [I wouldn't say bored, there's a lot going on around here. I would definitely classify it as the OPPOSITE of bored.] Wish you could be someone else? [Ooohhhhh the possibilities.....] Maybe you yearn for the exciting life of a pirate. [I have my favorites...] Or a Jedi....yeah! [Hmmmmm... mind control. Tempting....] Or....an exotic dancer!! [Um, let me fix my "problem areas" first- I'm putting in Turbo Jam right now! Remember that space that's supposed to be between your thighs? Yeah, I don't either- it's been WAY too long.] Sorry, we can't help you with that [dang-it], but we can at least help you come up with your alter-ego's name. [Yesssss!!]

Use this handy app to generate a new pirate name for your bad self. [I feel like they KNOW me!] Or decide on your stripper name. [What kinda girl do you think I am????] Or when the movie extras casting agent comes calling, have your Jedi name all ready. [Ooooo, I can't wait to find out what it is!!! The only problem I foresee is if they aren't casting for Star-Wars. Then we may run into a little problem.]

Hey, why keep the fun to yourself? [I don't know- please tell me what I should do.] Generate new names for your friends. [*snicker*] Make the meeting a little more tolerable by picturing your boss as "Salty" Squid Flint. [There goes his reputation] If that politician were an exotic dancer, what would his (or her!) name be? [I don't know! Let's find out!]

I could not resist this app. The description was too riveting- I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY FANTASY NAME IS!!!! That was the little girl in the back of my head screaming out. She has finally been heard.

When I was younger, I had an insane imagination. I played horses. No, not with horses, I WAS the horse. I made my poor siblings be the "master" as I ran around on all fours (yes, with my butt in the air) and made what I thought was the best 'horse neighing' impression of All Time. When I wasn't a horse, I was a damsel in distress on top of our swing set, or a beautiful maiden trapped on a deserted island. Every day was a new adventure. And I ALWAYS had a cool name. It changed every now and then, but I would be "Clarissa the animal whisperer", yes I could talk to animals and win their love for me so that when I was attacked my a "bad guy" the animal of my choice would protect me. Or I was "Clarissa the British Spy" [I was in love with the name for a VERY long time] who seemed to be the "bad guy" but deep down, she was really good and noble. And she had the BEST English accent- no one new she was really Australian [and my 10 year old brain believed that I rocked at that accent, too]. Or it was "Amaryanna [sometimes I totally made some name up and firmly believed that the longer the name, the prettier it was] the Irish Princess" [yes, another rockin' accent] who was kidnapped by her wicked step-uncle and left to perish in the swamps. But thank goodness I had previous training as an animal whisperer- that could've ended in tragedy!

So as you can see, I could NOT resist to find another name to add to the collection. I downloaded it promptly and began playing...

I would TOTALLY make it as a pirate. Their outfits ROCK! But it's hard to play Pirates when you don't have a wicked-awesome name. And Elizabeth Swan was already taken. I don't want to look like I copied...

As I type in my name I feel just like I did the first time I asked the Magic 8 Ball a question: Oh great and wonderful ipod touch! What is my piraty name???
"Busty" Antonia Salamislacks
It's a name that will go far.

But I begin to get a teensy bit discouraged, because there's really nothing "busty" about me. So I continue...

Curious about my Jedi name, I am. Those robes aren't really flattering, but it's good to be prepared- you really do never know when a casting agent will knock on your door. I have missed out on so many opportunities because I was not prepared when they came before.
Smi-Jo Adaari

I am officially prepared.

Now for those dramatic moments in my life, I have decided to inform everyone of my "soap opera" name. I also need to know this just in case the soap opera casting agents come instead of the Star Wars ones. You can NEVER be too prepared...
Belle Buchanan

It's smart, sexy and civilized. It demands a sort of respect. Now we all know every soap opera character has a sworn archenemy, so I typed in Camryn's name (with love): Emma Fitzgerald. Oh the possibilities of those two names on daytime T.V. They just sound good together:

"This week on "How Politics Turn", Senator Buchanan finds out his daughter is in love with the Governor's son, Tad [my hubby's soap name], who is a publicly-known Tax Evader, and is engaged to the trillion dollar heiress Emma Fitzgerald. Will Belle follow her father's advice and call Busted Kneecaps Louie Leathernuts [my hubby's mafia name] to "get Emma out of the way"? Or will she try to break up the engagement the "old fashion way"? Stay Tuned!"

It has Oscar oozing all over it.

Remember the British Spy? I have invented a new mission for her. She will go undercover with her Australian to British accent, and join the mafia. And change her accent again. And it will rock. It will. But she needs a very mafia-y undercover name. And it will be....
Twisted Clarice Crackhead

This is a no-nonsense name. I personally would never want to meet someone with this name. I could foresee lots of issues pertaining to an individual with this name. Won't be inviting her to play horses any time soon...

There is also a fantasy section where you can be all sorts of amazing creatures. I think it should be called The Lord of the Rings section, used on those days when you're feeling more Orc-ish than mafia spy-ish. Here is my name for all of them. Feel free to use them during your next adventure:

Dwarf= Dykona
Elf= Hilmawien
Gnome= Elabrylla
Human= Aleasa
Orc= Druryny
Troll= Leprechaun Tusktamer
Undead= Eramylar

There were soooo many more pictures I could create with these names, but I have OTHER responsibilities and couldn't play around all day. Dang-it. So I'll leave it to your imagination.

I found, though, that Camryn's Troll name [which is Snotling Earthcollector] was way more funny. Maybe it's just me, but offspring of Snot scooping up dirt paints a way-more-funny-picture in my mind than a Troll trying to tame leprechaun tusks. I didn't even know they had tusks. And why would they need taming?

For those of you wondering, I do NOT fantasize about being an "exotic dancer". I wasn't physically built for that type of career anyway. But if I did decide to get elective surgery and choose that path, I think Sugar Leatherthong is a name that people would never forget. And on those romantic evenings when my hubby takes me out on a date up to where he works to feed a resident's cat [he redeemed himself by taking me to Cafe Rio after], I will call him Dick Hammerhulk, 'cuz it would be funny. And thanks to the root beer belly, I don't see him pursuing a career in the "exotic dancing" field any time.....um.....ever.

And, as suggested, I thought I would see what Sarah Palin's pirate alter ego name would be. "Busty" Jean the Well-Endowed, who goes by Sugar Leathertush on the weekends. Leather tush. I know what a leather thong is, but not so sure what a leather tush is. I would think that it would be a name found attractive only in the bovine department. It would be two bulls carrying on a conversation like "hey Harry, check out the leather tush on that one!". I feel that only in livestock terms would/should this name be used. And we women refuse to be livestock... and their terminology.

3 post a comment :

Camryn said...

Hey Sugar Leatherthong--I can't wait to address you as such on facebook :)

I am still laughing!

Heather said...

OH DEAR!!! I laughed so much! I love hearing about your imagination as a child, and my son (who is 10 now) runs on all fours and is ALL kinds of animals and I can't believe how fast he can run like that! I wrote a story about flying horses who were all different kinds of colors....except like now my spelling got in the way and the story ended up being about flying hores.....

Jordan said...

LOL that would make a funny post! Words that could make your sentences go horribly wrong! And the spellcheck that couldn't save you! I hope your story didn't have illustrations... :)

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