{ i'm just gonna do it : resolution #2 }

My husband works graveyard shifts. Which means when I get up, he goes to bed. Well, kinda. There's about 4 hours in between. Four hours that I feel is completely unnecessary to have a made bed. Completely unnecessary...

Or is it?

Will I feel better? Will it help me have a better day? Even though the Mr. is sleeping there? Perhaps it will agitate me more, knowing that he's messing up all my hard work?

But I'm willing to test it out. I will ignore the studies that say to not make my bed because bed bugs cannot survive in the dry conditions that is an unmade bed. {Hopefully because I don't wet the bed, we'll be safe...} ;) All I know is that I love climbing into a perfectly made bed that smells like fabric softener.

image source

and in my dreams...

Which is another resolution I should add: washing my sheets more than once a month. Gross, I know. I just get busy and forget...

Is making the bed every morning {and washing sheets more than once a month} on your New Year's Resolutions List??

{ it's a christmas miracle }

So it's December 9th. And what have I done?

Christmas packages: shipped

Christmas cards: in the mail box

Neighbor gifts: made, 1/2 delivered

Teacher gifts: signed, sealed and delivered

Christmas Eve Dinner: pre-made and in the freezer

Christmas Decor: up

Boxes housing Christmas Decor: back. in. the. garage.

{This is seriously monumental. Simply unheard of this early in the month}

Christmas shopping: done

Christmas presents: still not all wrapped, but hey-- no one's perfect, right? ;)

Ladies and Gents. It is only the 9th. And I am just about ready for Christmas.

*dreamy sigh*

My house, however, is a disaster.

*non-dreamy sigh + head shake*

Laundry coming out my ears {no clean socks, on the last of the towels, etc.}, toilets that have been neglected much longer than is sanitarily permitted, places on my floor that act as a sticky trap for unsuspecting passerby-ers, and carpets that could act as a halfway house for small critters {complete with cracker crumbs and paper bedding}. But I am off to tackle this massive disaster zone! Feel free to send in recruits like this if you don't hear from me soon:

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have a fantastically festive weekend!

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I know I will--we're going to see Brian Regan on Saturday! *squeal!*

xoxo

jordan

{ needing sanity }

I need to be more organized.

Organization=Sanity.

In my mind, at least.

I'm scouring the internet for ideas.

If you have one, please let me know.

For ideas that I do find, I will share them with you.

And I will call my little mini-series:

Without the aid of Google, I do have a little secret that I want to share. It has calmed the chaos of what used to be known as:

Let me share something I have found to be super helpful, and no, you may not laugh. Like my family did. At me.

Let me set the scene for you:

It's Saturday. You have just spent a billion dollars on groceries at you local Grocery Mart {I made that store name up}, to feed your children who seem to eat as much as 300 pound football players. After wrestling with the crowds and the kids, you plop down on the couch the minute you walk in that door.

And then remember you must unload the vehicle transporting the vast amount of food that could feed a small army.

{valuable newlywed information alert}

But this is why we have kids:

You recruit hubby and kids to unload and put groceries away.

5 hours later, when you go to make dinner, you have NO CLUE where anything is.

As you dig past the milk, orange juice, grapes, eggs, jam, sausage, shredded cheese, hot dogs and yogurt, you begin the interrogation of family members to find out where the heck the sour cream ended up at.

And you then realized you have pulled out the entire contents of the fridge for one measly little bucket that was hidden under the bag of carrots.

My solution:

Designate every shelf in the fridge for a specific group of items.

And then LABEL them.

Oh, yes. I said label.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much more organized my fridge stays. One less chaotic thing in my life is such a relief, I tell you what! How many times have you stored Leftovers, only to discover them 6 weeks later {when you're pulling everything out to find the sour cream}? Well if you have a clearly labeled Leftovers Shelf{s}, you know what you have before it goes bad. And you know exactly how long those beans in the Tupperware have been in the fridge, and are able to toss them before they ferment.

It also has helped me keep my fridge wiped down, because there is less junk in there. Before I go shopping, I go through and toss what I need to and wipe down the shelves.

Easy.

Here's what it looks like right this minute. I did not clean it prior to pulling out the camera. {And yes I am *painfully* aware that we are out of milk and that we need to go grocery shopping. This is what happens when it's almost the weekend.}

I printed out the words on regular paper, the taped them to the underside of the shelves or bins.

A free solution for an annoying problem...

Mr. Smith now knows where I want everything to go. I have learned the hard way that he doesn't read minds... :(

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stay sane!

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xoxo

jordan

{ heading out }

My bags are packed and we're ready to go...

We're headed to UT for the week, and I'm excited to be there.

Not so much excited to drive there.

I've scrubbed my house.

'Cuz I want a clean house to come home to.

All articles of clothing have been washed.

So I can have the luxury of as many clothing options as my closet allows.

I am now tired.

But have managed to slip in a little project amidst the major project of

getting ready for a week long trip.

Remember this beauty?

She has now been transformed.

Not how I originally planned.

But money and time were non existent, so I relied solely on the resources I had.

Enter new and improved:

Just ignore the terrible lighting - it's late.

No sun to help me out in that department.

And I took it real quick with my phone...

And now dear hearts,

I'm off to bed.

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Here's hoping you all have a wonderful and safe Fourth of July weekend!

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xoxo

jordan

ps - I have a very exciting giveaway planned! I'll tell you all about it when I get back!

; )

{ projects. projects. projects. }

Last weekend I found out that I had strep. Awesome. So I did the completely natural thing that anyone would do and did. absolutely. nothing.

Which was nice.

For a while.

After a sweat infused three days, I finally have the dishes under control {and the smell}, the kids rooms cleaned and vacuumed {because for some reason they can't seem to do that on their own. grrr.} and furniture rearranged. {Because I had to clean out from underneath couches. So why not change things up?}

It's amazing how much crap piles up when you do nothing for two days. That's right. It only takes two days for your whole world to become so horrific that it would {and should} be declared a state of national emergency. Send in the reinforcements. Mom hasn't done dishes or cleared the table in two days.

Because I did such a good job of tackling the project of Operation Clean Rescue House, in making it somewhat liveable again {without the use of a hose, I might add}, I decided to treat myself with yet another project. I bought this baby off craigslist for $30:

Why on earth would I actually pay money for such a hideous thing? Let alone a whoppin' $30 bucks? Because I want you to look at those legs....

See those hairpin beauties? The cheapest I found them online was $12 each here. 12 dollars EACH {I saw them for $50 each at another site}. Sadly, I ordered 4 of them already before I saw this table. So I guess I now have them for another project.

I won't complain. ;)

I am in the process of coming up with a masterful plan. It looks good in my head, but, as we all know, my head is where the problems start. So we'll see...

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Stay tuned!

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xoxo

jordan

*original images from here and here*

{ purging the clutter }

Spring is here. I have been basking in 70 degree weather, the smell of freshly cut grass, and windows open, a soft light breeze causing the sheers to look like ocean ripples. Then waves. Then tsunamis. And blows things off counters, causing yet another mess for me to clean up.

Yay.

---

I have decided that I have too much crap. I am not a pack rat, but my tightwad mind gets the better of me at times. The classic thought "I need to save this- one day I will have a use for it" constantly plagues the deep recesses of my brain.

I've been getting better, though. I have discovered a new high that only donating to Goodwill can bring. Refreshing, invigorating, relieving, liberating- I love it!

My sweetheart has mixed feelings.

'Cuz I seem to be more willing to get rid of his junk stuff before mine. Oh well. Baby steps, right?

I have another confession. I like things that smell good. Like lotion.

Oh, yes. The lotion bottles. I have eleven-teen billion of them plaguing my bathroom cabinets and storage. All used. Because... I need change. Not the major life altering change, just little changes, like, rearranging furniture, new hair cut or color, jr. high wardrobe revamp- oh wait. That last one is life altering. Scratch it.

So I like to use different flavors on different days. To match the mood. {Doesn't everyone?}

But no more!!! I am purging my lotion stash! 7 year old vanilla spice lotion, 3 year old orange cream lotion, 2 year old pumpkin spice lotion: This is your eviction notice!!!

But do not worry my sweet containers of yummy smellingness. I will send you to a good home.

Which leads me to announce

another mma giveaway!

{insert screams of pure giddiness here}

One of you lucky readers will win...

my Supply of Partially-Used Lotion!!

Hooray!

You will have 5 chances to win. All you have to do is leave a separate comment telling me:

1 | what your favorite lotion flavor is.

2 | that you blogged about this giveaway.

3 | that you tweeted about this giveaway.

4 | how old your lotion bottles are.

5 | mayonnaise or miracle whip?

You have until midnight on March 31st to enter this awesome giveaway. {I know, don't cry. I really am this generous.} I will be using Random.org to pick my winner!

So get those fingers flying across your keyboard and

good luck!!

xoxo

jordan

ps

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April Fools!

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Don't fear. I would never give away nasty lotion bottles to you, dear readers, no matter how good they smell. ;)

{ bodily functions }

Does anyone else have problems getting their 6 year old to sleep? I didn't until last night. For some reason my son would not go to bed. So me, being the genius that I am, came up with a solution. He could 'fall asleep' on my bed, and then I would begin the process of moving him to the floor {yeah, right, like I'm going to carry that heavy mass of a body with all of my 5 feet of strength down a flight of stairs and onto his own bed}. This procedure is performed as such:

1 | roll the body until the subject is on his back, with the head pointing towards you.

{here is where you prepare yourself for some awesome visual aids. It's okay to be jealous of my mad doodling with a mouse skills. *snort*}

2 | place firm grip under armpits by making sure the crook of your arm is placed strategically under the armpits.

3 | pull.

4 | gently.

5 | as the feet are last to be pulled off the 4 feet tall bed, just let them fall onto the floor.

6 | your child should be slightly coherent at this point, so tell them to lay on the pillow on the floor. If not, just drag.

7 | cover child with warm blanket.

8 | grab a huge glass of water to rehydrate yourself after your amazing workout. And don't forget to grab you a piece of chocolate from your hidden stash to reward yourself as well. What. We all know you have one. ;)

{What do you mean you don't wear hair accessories that match your furniture?}

As I went upstairs {waaaayyyy later than I should have} to begin my 'workout', an all too familiar smell was in the air.

Are you kidding me? I thought as I ran to the bed and pulled back the covers. Sure enough, for the first time in years, my son lay fast asleep in a puddle of pee.

*Don't tell Mr. Smith it was his side.*

Major shaking and tapping ensued- to wake my son up. I told him he had to take a shower and go back to his bed.

"Why?"

"Because you peed on my bed."

"Who."

"You did."

"Me?!?!?"

"Yes you."

"How?"

" . . . . . . . . "

Needles to say, I got him showered {yes, I was the only responsible adult present I was the only legal adult present}, cleaned up, tucked in, got the sheets changed, and mattress Lysoled all before midnight. Holla! {But then I froze while sleeping because I left the window open and had only a sheet for protection- yes I was too tired to get up and close the dang window.}

And then there's my daughter. I love her. Desperately. And she loves her dairy products. Desperately. She has an addiction.

Do you KNOW what happens to people who have an addiction to dairy products???

That's right. They get clogged.

My daughter is addicted to dairy products.

This resulted in the need for Milk Rehab.

1 | No milk, yogurt or cheese.

2 | Only juice or water.

3 | And rice.

After hours of tears I am happy to report this was a success. We are clog free!

I KNOW you wanted to know that. And you're welcome.

Being a mother means doing things you never in your wildest dreams thought you would do. It means touching things that would have made you spew chunks when you were younger. It means smelling things that shouldn't be smelled by mere mortals. In fact here's a song for you, dear Mother Who Has Children . . .

*sniff* Beautiful isn't it?
So here's to us Moms! Cleaners of all things gross! Smellers of all things vile! Sacrificers of all things . . . um, well . . . All Things! {I was going to put dignified, but we sacrifice much more than dignity when it comes to motherhood.}
We Rock.
And don't you forget it . . .
---------------------Have a Great Weekend!---------------------

{ you fold sheets like a girl }

I was bending over the dishwasher, placing my El-cheap-o detergent in it's rightful compartment, when I heard a faint knock on the door. I went downstairs {yes, my kitchen is located on the second level- I am 110% certain the architect of this place was a man}, and answered the door. Two of my friends were standing there with a plate of cookies.

Is that NOT your favorite thing in the world? Two fabulous people who are a JOY to visit with, bring you tasty morsels of sugar and chocolate, still warm from their brief rendezvous with a hot oven?

As we visited for a moment, they asked what I was up to, and I told them laundry and dishes.

Laundry. And. Dishes.

It Never Ends. And we joked about that. I mentioned it was boring. No spice. No pizazz. BORING . {I bought new dishes once to liven up my dish washing experience. It worked for, oh, a day. That was a let-down.} And then I went onto the topic of doing laundry and mentioned sheets. Do you not loathe folding fitted sheets????? I can handle top sheets, but fitted sheets...

I use the Roll and Stuff technique. You know. . . grab a side and roll your arms like you're doing the actions for The Wheels On The Bus? Till it becomes a nice wad? Then stuff it into your closet? THAT Roll and Stuff?

As my dear friends laughed, one of them said: I was talking to someone else JUST the other day and they do the exact same thing! Who was it? Oh! It was so-and-so's husband!

I had a hard time containing my laughter, so I didn't. I laughed and laughed.

Here it is World: I fold sheets like a M A N ! ! ! ! ! ! !

This, to me, is funny. But I ask you: does anyone else fold sheets like a man? Do you get tired, after years of doing laundry over and over again, of folding those blasted sheets? Does anyone else just Roll and Stuff? And then smooth out the part that's visible on the shelf, creating the illusion of properly folded sheets?

If this is too true, then I have a small tutorial for you. {No, I had not intended to create a rhyme, it just worked out that way :) }

How to fold sheets like a girl {awfully helpful original photos from here}:

1. Place warm, freshly laundered, Downy scented sheet on your bed. 2. Fold the sheet in half and fit the corners into each other. 3. Fold the sheet in half again, and fit the corners together creating a square, making sure you have straight edges. 4. Dividing the sheet into thirds, fold one third towards the center. 5. Now the other side over that. 6. Magic of folded thirds again. 7. Now the last third. 8. Here's where she gets clever. Fold your top sheet and one of the pillow cases the same size. 9. Then use the other pillow case to house them.

Voila! Now you have a lovely set. And you won't fall victim to being accused of the using Roll and Stuff technique {a.k.a. folding like a man} again!

Speaking of Men and Laundry . . .

Oh, just thought I'd throw that in for your enjoyment. It's from this book:

Go buy it.

Cuz it's full of stuff like this:

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about . . . ;)

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P.S. Are you wondering what happened to the Holy Trinity of butter, sugar and chocolate chips?

Shoulder Angels do exist. I was S O O O O O O O O O O unbelievably tempted to eat all of the four cookies that were nestled all cozy-like on that small plate of Styrofoam. But then I looked into these eyes:

And I just H A D to share . . .

B U T . . .

I did consume two of those four cookies . . .

{What Mr. Smith doesn't know won't hurt him, right?}

{ miracle pill }

Oh, stop that. I'm not talking about the 'little blue pill'. Or even the brown glob that Max the Miracle Man gives to Wesley so he can come back to life and save Princess Buttercup from marrying Prince Humperdinck. I'm talking about something that is so much more miraculous than that. Something that will bring Heaven. on. Earth. to your life. At least, it brought a piece of it to me. . .

I sat at my kitchen table, attempting to enjoy that which is called Going Through The Mail. I would like it much better if there weren't so many bills. And bank statements. I hate reading bank statements. It's just another 'friendly' reminder that we have NO money. Yes, thank you Current Banking Institution for reminding me, because I had no idea.

As I cringe while pulling apart envelopes and trying not to dry heave as I read my electric bill, I notice my almost 7 year old picking up the living room. All. By. Himself. Without. Being. Asked.

Ouch! Nope, not dreaming, I said to myself after a well-needed pinch.

And then he proceeded to the counter to receive a little 'reward' for himself. He then grabbed another item and put it away. Again, another reward. I just about pooped my pants with excitement. Tears began welling up; I really am a GREAT mother! I thought.

The secret? The secret that I have JUST discovered and been kicking myself over for not thinking of it before?

Let me tell you a story:

My first grader {a.k.a. living room picker upper} was struggling at school. He's in speech therapy because he has a hard time communicating. And he has an even harder time doing his school work, partially because he can't comprehend, and then when he does, it's boring for him. {I have a hard time punishing him for that 'cuz I think math is boring too.}

When he hears a sentence, it gets all jumbled up in his head. His brain isn't putting the words in the right order. And then when he tries to talk, it's all jumbled, thanks to his brain pulling out the subconscious Kitchen Maid and blending everything he knows to a fine pulp. My 3 year old can make more complete sentences than he can.

I called my dad and told him my frustrations. He then proceeded to tell me this:

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Dad: I can understand. I have the same problem with numbers- my brain mixes them all up.

Me: So now I know who to blame! It's YOUR genes that have caused this!

Dad: If he has my genes, then you have nothing to worry about because he'll be a genius.

Me: Ha. Ha. Ha. {side note - my dad really is, but it's a secret - don't want his head getting too big, okay?}

Dad: I also had a hard time focusing in school. But I learned a trick. I would go down into the basement of the library, secluded from everyone else, and pull out a bag of m&m's or toffee coated peanuts and place them in front of me. Then I would give myself the challenge. For each paragraph read, I could eat one piece. Or for each problem, I'd eat one. It helped me concentrate and focus.

Me: Maybe you are a genius, but that's TWO not-so-great-things my son got from you, so you're in deep trouble...

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So, on our next infamous Weekly Walmart Trip, I grabbed a bag of these:

When it was time to do homework, I set out a Skittle for each problem. When one was completed, one could be devoured.

You know what?

He did his entire packet in 15 minutes.

I was F L A B E R G A S T E D .

There were NO tears, NO screaming {by either party}, NO pouting, NO threatening of getting the wooden spoon. I have never before in my life witnessed such a miracle.

*Insert Handel's Hallelujah Chorus here*

So I decided I would take these magical nuggets of goodness to the next level. We played the clean up game. I would hand my children {oh, yes- it worked for both} something to put away, in return for 1 Skittle. Major Running ensued. I then graduated from rewarding 1 Skittle per 1 item, to 1 Skittle for a whole group of things.

Hurry, put all the Transformers away for another Skittle!

My children had turned into The Flash. -es.

All for O N E Su-hu-pernatural Skittle. O N E .

At first I felt a teensy bit bad. My children should learn to help out just to help out, not because they are going to get something out of it. But the house was getting clean, so I continued to 'bribe'.

And then I saw my boy cleaning on his own. And rewarding himself each time with 1 Skittle. As I sat admiring his self control at just grabbing one, I realized how perfect that Skittles purchase was. How perfect those tiny 'miracle pills' were. And I didn't feel guilty one bit.

Rapture

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{But will someone PLEASE tell my husband to STOP buying Oreo's!!! It's only 1pm and I think I have devoured an entire sleeve.}

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p.s. does anyone else pick out the red and purple ones and leave the other colors for everyone else? Or at least the yellow ones? I know, I need to grow up...

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{ mommy's don't get sick leave }

I didn't clean my toilets last week.

'Nor did I clean them the week before.  That's almost THREE weeks of uncleanly toilets.  

"Curse you, Particles of Dust and Pollen!!"  

Mom's don't get to take time off for getting sick.  Even if it's just allergies.  This past week I fell victim to a double whammy.  Without even trying, the nasty Cold/Flu Bug suddenly became attracted to me.  ON TOP of itchy, watery eyes and sinus pressure.

   PERFECT.

It's amazing what happens to your home when all you can do is lay in bed, lay on the couch, lay in the bathtub, lay with your head under a towel, letting the warm menthol-ish vapors hit you in the face, 'cuz you can't actually BREATHE them in.  All of my hard work, keeping our home one of decency and uncontamination, went 

Down The Drain.  

What started out as a place of refuge,

turned into a place of refuse.

Let me break down the last couple days for you.

| My curtains started out on the wall |

| Then ended up on the couch |

Here is the guilty one- 

not only is she guilty of hanging like a monkey as if my curtains where some lush vine she found on her imaginary Jungle Escapade {pulling the screws right out of the wall I might add}, but this is also visual evidence of her involvement with:

| The crackers on the couch |

And no, it wasn't just Ritz crackers that were involved.

| Every INCH of my rug was covered with 

smooshed goldfish crackers |

| Along with toys, clothes and shoes | 

I didn't think it was this bad {I dare you to find a WHOLE and INTACT goldfish}, because at first, all this was hiding under 7 couch cushions and 3 blankets {previously used to make a rockin' fort}.

And it doesn't matter how thick those blankets are, you can still feel the sharp edges of Legos, cars and Transformers on the tender undersides of your feet.  And yes, that is a defrosted ice pack in the first pic- don't ask.  I thought it was pretty random when I discovered it- I had seen snuggled next to ice cubes in the freezer the day before.  

I thought I'd spare you my visual encounter with my toilets/bathrooms and dishes.  It was pretty nasty.  I won't even use my words to paint a picture.  I don't even think I could.

Meals where interesting.  I found my children liked to help themselves.

| Breakfast A La Three Year Old |

Yes, that is hardened, cemented-to-the-table Honey Blasters from breakfast the day before.  And no, my daughter couldn't decide between Trix or Apple Zingers, so she got a bowl for both.  And while I'm on the subject of cereal- I was reminded of why I never buy Trix {they were on sale}.  Is it really healthy to put something THAT COLORFUL into our bodies?  Have you seen what it does to milk?  To clothes?  To tongues?  It can't be natural.

And yes, those are french fries on the floor from dinner the previous night- my hubby 'cooked'.  There are other things that have decided to take up residency down there as well, but I don't know what they are.  'Nor do I want to find out.

| I vowed I would do everything in my power to 

not let the laundry pile up |

I failed.  

This is the 3 loads of laundry that I did yesterday {as I took on the egregious task of reclaiming my home}.  They made it to the washing machine, then to the dryer...

... and ended up there.  That's only half of what needed to be done.

But at least my toilets are clean.