Once upon a time, we were given a ball, not a cube, a solid BALL of cheese. Cheddar, to be exact. It was supposed to be Heavenly Beyond Belief. Okay, yes, it was good, but cheddar is cheddar to me. It ALL tastes good. As we opened the box, wondering how Amazing Tasting Cheese could have such simple packaging, we came across these words printed on the side:
Yes, EXPERIMENT STATION at Miss. University. How would you feel about eating cheese that was made by experimenting college students? So I decide to do some research of my own. And no, it doesn't include feeding it to my kids and watching for strange mutations, an extra limb, or discoloration of the skin. I just read the ingredients.
The last ingredient is natamycin. Having no clue what that meant, I googled. Apparently it's an anti-fungal agent. Oh, that's good. I don't want fungi in my cheese. But they also list some possible side effects. Problems that have a possible casual [that's the word they used] connection include: allergic reaction, change in vision, chest pain, corneal opacity, dyspnea [breathing problems], eye discomfort, eye edema, eye hyperemia, eye irritation, eye pain, foreign body sensation [this one lost me. How can I have a sensation in a foreign body?], paresthesia, and tearing [I don't know if this is the tearing pronounced as in 'my eyes are tearing because someone CUT the cheese', or the 'my kids are tearing the house apart'! Either way could be bad.].
So I guess it's okay to eat the cheese...
All day long my two-year-old begged for cheese, and all day long I gave it to her.
My husband warned me.
He suggested ever-so-nicely ['cuz he knows who's in charge of making final decisions around here] that I should stop the mass cheese-feedings, or else our precious toddler would become constipated. In my infinite wisdom I told him that she's used to this much cheese, that her body is IMMUNE to the constricting bowel movement effects cheese would have on normal, non-hording cheese eaters.
I tried everything- warm baths, lots of fluids, sit-ups... nothing helped relieve the blockage my poor daughter was experiencing. Crying all evening [her not me. Okay, me too], it dawned on me that I had some Stool Softener in the cupboard. Why, you ask? Well, any woman who has ever given birth understands the importance and blessing of Stool Softener when it comes to post-natal care. I just happened to have some left over from about, oh, two years ago.
Because my daughter was lacking in proper years to receive the full dosage [one liquid gel], I decided to cut it open and squeeze half of it into a glass of chocolate milk, hoping to disguise any foul taste that might be associated with ingredients used to soften stools. As I struggled to make a slit in the top with my scissors, a stream of liquid hits me in the face and an ugly guffaw/grunt-like noise exits my lips- the kind of noise one makes when hit in the gut. It is then that my husband proceeds to laugh hysterically. I'm not sure if he's laughing at the fact that I just shot Stool Softener in my eye, or the uglier-than-sin sound that came out of my mouth before I could stop it. "Get back here ugly noise!"
I wish I had a rewind button.
But other than having a "maker of ugly noises" blemish on my record, this story ends on a happy note, and my daughter finally had a bowel movement the next morning. I've NEVER been so excited to see poop.
Now for MY story:
A couple days ago I was having a hard time going to sleep. As I tossed and turned and worried that morning would come all too soon, I crept downstairs to grab a generic sleep aid. I turn on the dim hall light, so as not to wake the children [this is extremely important], and proceed to the almost-dark kitchen. I open the cupboard and find the almost-completely-white-small-bottle that I need. I open it up and pull a small liquid gel out. I grab a drink. As I am about to pop the thing in my mouth, I think to myself: "This feels different, yet strangely familiar." I decide to turn on the kitchen light. Lo and Behold- I find in my hands a red (NOT blue) liquid gel and the bottle I pulled from the cupboard says STOOL SOFTENER.
Here are the bottles side-by-side. Do you see how one could easily get them mixed up if there is only a small amount of light to work with?
I have now put them next to each other in the cupboard so that next time, I will be able to make a conscious effort to pay attention to the bottle I'm grabbing.
So that's my story. If I had not given my daughter gigantic amounts of cheese, which led to the need of stool softening rescue, I would not have recognized the different feeling between the two liquid gels, and therefore would be tired, cranky and.......
...oh what a relief it is...